Bright Lights Big City

I’m doing it now. Here we go all naive and cocky. Even now. But can I be good even here even now? OK here we go I don’t want to but it’s true streams of energy and all that hippie shit it’s true.

You had to be alone in your room. Their ears are to the door. Wow they get it right in some films. I was never on drugs but it’s like I tip my hat I was sober as a J Bird but those jump cuts and blender shots do the best they can.

This guy’s demeanor is just fine with his gestures. This young man. Wow lady. His demeanor shaking his hands up and down. Wow lady shut up you’re screaming. Where’d you get the idea for the beard sir? I could almost take my headphones off with all that hand gesturing. We’re only at Harvard. This guy is old does he have to read the book like such an old man? I’m listening to Sliver, Dan. Nirvana is good. Dude everyone shut up through the earphone penetration. How many babies are crying we’re at Disneyworld I think. Orlando Florida. It’s like the Matterhorn, the rollercoaster. Some people only know the Matterhorn coaster and not the one in Germany. I knew the coaster first. The subway?

Young man has dirty jeans. Backpack is clean. Listens to hardcore. They all did, growing up here. But a good, honest kid. Sunday nights Sunday nights on my mission that’s when I’d just check-in. Everything else, the week, it was a movie. Sunday, “letters home” but it wasn’t about home. I suppose, but it’s when I thought and looked at the clock but I always thought and the clock. A less serious song a less serious song call me Sunny call me Sunny, but under his breath, when he scolded himself- we’re at Park street get off now.

Aaron you did it, you dared it. He told me on the phone in the Common. I didn’t do anything. I work at Starbucks. They’re not dead yet, the seventeen year olds. Do you have a tattoo? She looks at me and answers her question no, you don’t have a tattoo. She asks me if I’ve done acid. She looks at me  no, you’ve never done acid. That’s my favorite where am I gonna use that?

Jesus Christ did you see that smile it was so genuine and these lights are so bright and the ground is so sparkly. Shit this is serious the battery is low sirens Park Street I’m back in coffee wanna see a David Foster Wallace works at Starbucks though cuz they ain’t found him yet I never sent them anything. This is what he listens to when he gets all emotional. Do your homework. Yeah you listen to Arcade Fire. Million Dollar Baby. No more losses. No more failures. Fragile. Am I missing a word? But potential. Flashing lights Jesus everywhere. Lots more hand-holding than I would have expected. Hit it in the trees hit it in the trees.

Look at this couple they’re so young they aren’t even speaking English! Spanish probably high heels good job it’s like Andy Dick now it’s like Marry Poppins. Rooftops and shit. The guy held the door for me at 7-11. Big ass jug of Gatorade. I got outta there somehow Scott free. Pretty girls everywhere I can hear them. Barbed wire stirring on my fingers shut up Subway I’m a sellout.

I actually heard that man say “Goodnu?” Good&you, like Sam at work says I love Sam. Jesus that Ford is bright Oh my God this is where I sang a song about the bricks with Sarah B. She told me she was gonna get me college drunk because I’d never been college drunk. That’s it, I always wanted a song for her & I found it. The street is seriously called Joy St. Jason’s show is tomorrow. All grown up. Can I plan anything right now? He wondered when I was gonna really let go on the bass.”All The Small Bricks” she called her sister and showed her on speaker phone that I was singing a song about bricks on Beacon Hill. I thought I had let go. Her basement apartment it was all real. But I saw him scoot across the floor when he did a song and he was right. Wasn’t fake even if we tried. It was real. Gotta get another ticket to the show. Am I even capable of planning. We’re all grown up I carried amps. It’s just a Z4 hatchback thing not a Ferrari. Do they know I carried amps. Dan says I like skinny girls I like all kinds of girls. Jeez more sirens. How much salt is in this Gatorade? I’m like an old man. I need to drink healthier.

World’s most obvious walk indicator never before has anyone been given a greener light. You’ve got the Green light Aaron I think you can really go. Loud. Always the lights flashing. They were like ba-ba-ba-ing. That couple in the restaurant was ba-ba-ba-ing with their lips over that magazine they were looking at and it was real. And I bet they wanted me to take a photo but I didn’t. Leaves are crawling now into little yellow dinosaurs. And there’s always that headlight in the peripheral. Nice ol’ BMW 2002. This is all really nice now. A bit close there, you folk. All these nice things we’re supposed to think are gay or whatever. Nothing’s really scary really its all like glue, really. Lights everywhere though. I’m OK you gotta be careful though, yeah. There’s an Aston Martin. These aren’t even my good headphones. Should go home now.

I was over at the Braintree side a good long while trying to figure my shit out. Staring at the sign. Braintree Braintree howling Braintree there’s no Alewife. Shit you need to get healthier. I’m totally vegetarian now. Sarah’s right about all that shit. My skin. This salty ass Gatorade seriously look at this fucking label. That’s the only thing that’s insane right now. Seriously fuck. Salty piece of shit. OK things are OK ten percent battery’s going what are the people gonna get what are they gonna get? It’s like the world but on acid BRIGHT LIGHTS BIG CITY it’s like Aaron but on acid it was worth that wait Jesus it was worth the wait. I saw shit move.

I’m glad this girl treats stretching so seriously. I love her. Not like whats-her-name she’s still stretching I’m into it. The woman in the reflecting hat and helmet and all that I don’t think she’s had a good time since the Reagan admin. Why am I on the train? I always had to be up last. I had to hear every word. They don’t have drugs now.

It’s all moving but it’s all controlled right you’re writing this down, right? The floor is moving but you know what’s going on, they don’t have to tell you. You’ve always known smart Alec looks like a little brother. I was gonna write our night in the blog I said a lot for the first time that night I was gonna make it a big one yeah why not you deserve it you’re a believer look at you. Younger than them all only 17.

You should sit down now. The Subway is like thunder. And you should drink healthier. We’re all pretty unhealthy. Nothing. Just breathe. I have to go home now Sarah is at home who writes on the blog someone thought the coming-out thing was by me a couple of people have. Sarah is right. She is. If we just breathed. Porter. Can get off. Need to drink better. Cancer is not going anywhere. This was maybe not a good idea. Didn’t have to be alone. Stubborn. Everything is a movie that I’m stealing. Oh yeah Sarah I knew why I was gonna be OK the whole time. I gotta stay sharp for the guys on the mission. I’m actually seeing shit but it’s real. It’s not fake the energy. And you want to be good Aaron and you want to be right.  And you want everything to mean everything. Irresponsible Aaronchan. You have a lot of energy and you need to be careful.

It’s biological, I have to be OK. When you lose DNA like that the others get stronger it’s biological. He flat-lined once. I went to the vending machine and came back and it was like George Clooney and shouting. They weren’t quite sure what to do. Ten of them. Moving fast. I got a few days off of school. Can I be clear right now? She told me it wasn’t clear. She read ETHER 12:27 and she didn’t know your brother died of cancer. I thought it was clear. You can write about it because everyone is affected. It’s OK. Nobody on my mission knew. He’d just died and I went off and I had four brothers but I didn’t tell them that one of them died. Semantics. I had four brothers. Can I be clear? She waved the paper in front of my face, shook it to shake meaning out of it, it’s not clear. Go to college. Listening? He was 15 months older yeah we were close close as can be he broke his neck once but it was a “blessing” because  they found cancer in his neck too. Am I making myself clear? Is it adding up? That’s the fuel right there. That’s the absent-mind. That’s the introversion. That’s the extremes. That’s why I carried amps. That’s why I can’t quit and that’s why I’m not a lawyer. Am I clear? I went on a mission knocking on doors. It was a tough thing to sell. No TV no radio no books no calls home. His name as Tyler. How’s Tyler how’s Tyler I wasn’t OK. Cancer is everywhere that’s how we die now.

I have to be on control that’s why I run like the dickens I gotta look good I gotta prove them wrong I gotta be alright. But I gotta let them go people would tell me to let them go. People thought Sarah’s thing about coming out to her mother was by me. Gotta make the blog more clear. Blog meeting SFSF blog meeting 10/23:

Well today was humbling is all. Tell Sarah when she gets here, that you’re sorry for being all brave. All the sounds are so sharpe, but are the streets that near?

She’ll tell me to let them go. They’ll all tell me to let them go. I came out already on some of the other ones but I gotta be clear. Gays and blacks and women, none of that stuff made sense. “It’s what God wanted or It’ll all work out in the end or It’s just mysterious.” It never made sense. I’m detached. I have a lot of energy and I have to be careful. Am I clear? I’m free-floating without them but Sarah is coming home. I think I know what the kids know now. They don’t have drugs anymore. I’ve got them here and I’ve got to let everyone else go.

I’m gonna go home now. Call Jason & just tell him about the bright lights. Though he knows everything. Now I can really go. And I’m gone.

 

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