Miss Connections: The One Where Shit Happens

This week on MC, people just did not know when to give up and keep their mouths shut.  Sometimes you just make yourself look like an idiot, and sometimes it’s just…revolting.

For example: You ever been a situation where you feel like you’re giving all the right signals to tell someone you’re just not interested, and they can’t seem to take the hint?  Ever been the person who can’t take a hint?  Then maybe you’ll be able to relate to the following MC:

You were in the group Shai and had on the black NY cap w/Adidas – w4m – 33 (At Rain nightclub)

OK so I know you are an educated lovely singer with soul. I did admire your talent from on stage. to the left of you. I know the crowd was wild with some crazy drunk chicks. But I, a classy Master’s educated professional woman was daydreaming of being somewhere quiet with you and saying up until the sun arose, talking and exchanging lyrics of intellect. 

I’m better than all those other bitches. I’m boring and quiet. I have a Master’s. In what, you ask? Well, it’s certainly not punctuation or spelling!” Seriously, if you’re going to condescend to an entire “crowd” of people, you gotta make sure you’re actually better than them. But, then again, if you’re trying to condescend to everyone around you, you’re probably not. Though this woman does have one superior quality: she speaks in lyrics! How appropriate!

I did go back stage and saw members of your crew, and Joe asked me if I wanted a pic, I asked the tall one where you were for you were the only one who sparked any interest from me.

He said you had left. Big pout. He asked if I wanted a pic and I said no. My friends will have me for that one but it doesn’t matter. 🙂 

Uh, actually, it kinda does. Why would this guy be interested in you after you basically said, “The other members of your band aren’t even worth taking a photo with”? They nicely offered to take a picture with you, something you knew your friends would appreciate even if you’re too far up your own ass to do so, and you refused?

I only wanted to converse with you. One stage we shared chemistry not the chemistry that you had to play off to your fans but real chemistry. 

Surely performers never try to make each fan feel like she’s the only girl in the world!

I motioned for you to come back over next to me, when you went to the other side of the stage and you came back!

Surely performers never work the stage to perpetuate the illusion that each fan is the only girl in the world! Surely they sit in a dark corner of the stage, staring at their feet, avoiding eye contact with all of their fans!

I would like to get to know you if by strange fate you see this in which the law of Universal Attraction will allow you to see for I am projecting out…all the more fate on our side.

Okay, now I see where the Master’s degree comes in. She’s a scientist!

I am “proud” of you, you did a great job!

Wait, why is that in quotes? Why do I suddenly feel like you actually want to be his mother?

Blurry pic of you below. And from the back, but you were the one in the Black baseball cap with NY and black and white stripe Adidas sneakers. In the professional pic you are representing that “B”. 🙂

Image

I should note here that this woman took two photos of him from behind while he was performing, and then posted two more photos that I assume she took from somewhere online (since she certainly didn’t take any photos with this guy who was clearly in love with her, yet bolted before she got backstage).

It’s like she’s never attended a concert, or even seen a video of a rap performance before. This is what they do. Performers, especially rappers, play off of their audience. That’s kinda the point of live shows. If you were relegated to taking photos of him from behind while he performed…he’s probably off with one of those “crazy drunk chicks,” having a raucous good time.

The next MC is similarly from someone who just does not understand straight-up avoidance:

Kaitlyn – wrote down your # wrong – m4w – 29 (tavern in the square, allston)

I stopped you by the stairs and said you were really cute. We had a nice little conversation. I said your nose was top 3 in the last 25 ive seen. I got your number, planned a date for Monday night, but I typed it in wrong!

If you see this shoot me an email.

There were actually a few MCs like this one recently, and the following response works equally well for them all: You didn’t type her number in wrong. You didn’t accidentally replace all the zeros with o’s or dyslexically type it all in backwards; she just gave you a fake number.

You think you had chemistry? You don’t think she would have done something so mean just to get away from you? Did you think maybe stopping a woman on the stairs and ranking her nose was a surefire way to get a real phone number?

Oh, honey, that’s just precious. Yeah, women would never do that to you. They always show their true emotions and are incapable of deceit.  Quick, go back to your Nick at Nite re-runs, I think The Brady Bunch is about to start.

Normally, when I go through MC, I can spot the phonies. There are some people who post on MC repeatedly, and some who post weird chain emails, and some who just fabricate funny encounters. While this next one is so disgusting and ridiculous that it sounds fake, I have my reasons that it might be true…

Poaching eggs and sorry about your sprinkler lol – m4w – 31 (Topsfield)

I was running up by the church near 97 and had to stop because I felt sick to my stomach. You came out of your house and asked if I was hungry, and I didn’t know what to do so I went in with you and you showed me how to poach an egg in Everclear and vinegar. I asked you if I could use your bathroom but you said it was broken but if I had to pee I could go out back. I didn’t want to tell you I had to take a dump (that’s why I had a stomach ache) because I was embarrassed and it hurt so bad. So I went out back and found what I thought was a good corner to take a dump, but when I looked to see how I’d done I saw that I’d pooped on your sprinkler. Sorry about that haha. I ran away after that and never ate the eggs. Also I forgot to ask your name and feel weird showing up at your house because of the poop I took. But I left my runnign shoes in your front entrance way and I thought you were pretty cute. Let me know if you think this is you. No scammers.

Reasons this MC Could Be Real:

  1. There is a specific place mentioned.
  2. It’s in a weird suburb of Boston, not any place that would make a ton of people interested in reading it if they were just cruising MC.
  3. There are waaaaay too many details.
  4. He took a dump on the sprinkler, not a sleeping cat or a baby or something more ridiculous.
  5. I want it to be.

I almost wish that were the last MC anyone ever read, but, alas, I feel compelled to leave you on an adorable note:

I crashed my bike into your kayak – m4w (Boston)

I kind of think that posting this on craigslist is bordering on being creepy, however my friend sitting next to me insists that “everyone does it”… 

This is a true fact that everyone should spread like gonorrhea at a brothel.

It was kind of like the perfect set up for a romantic comedy, boy and bike collides with girl and kayak.

In which movie is it normal for bikes and kayaks to collide? The summer blockbuster, When Global Warming Gets So Bad that Boston Sinks Into the Sea: A Rom-Com? Whatever, you’re being whimsical, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.

As cute as I thought you were it didn’t occur to me until after I rode far away, to properly introduce myself and ask if you’d make up for trying to kill me with small watercraft by letting me buy you cup of coffee, or tea… or hot chocolate. Whatever kayaking girls like to drink.

In the unlikely chance you happen to see this, How about it?

Uh, DUH.

Now my friend is telling me that I have to ask you to tell me some specific detail about our crash because I’m going to get responses from jokers and spammers.

How about you mention the location of where this happened?

Posting on craigslist feels all kinds of weird. 

Even though I would normally say he’s stupid for stating that it feels weird to post on CL (because it’s obviously not weird enough for you to NOT DO IT), his cute factor at this point outweighs his dumb factor. All I can say is: Thank the stars there are friends out there who encourage you to post on Missed Connections.

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3 thoughts on “Miss Connections: The One Where Shit Happens

  1. #1. If she has a Master’s I’m Stephen Hawking.
    #2. This is exactly the reason I used to give guys like him the phone number for St. Paul Pest Control. (Get it?! *I crack myself up*)
    #3. He knows where she lives – why doesn’t he just go get his shoes? She doesn’t know that it was HIM that pooped on the sprinkler…could have been a yeti.
    #4. Can’t wait for the movie!!

  2. Master’s degree woman is yet another indictment on the current edu system.

    But of course I’m really going to talk about the guy who took a shit on the sprinkler. That post just takes so many turns. It leaves the reader with many questions and moments of pause.

    The woman, upon first meeting an unknown jogger, observed that the missed connector looked ill and offered to let him in. That is slightly bold and I’m assuming readers of SFSF probably approve of that move. Think it was nice and trusting. She let him in and that’s great- we need more of that in this world, right?

    We get even a little MORE real at the point when the woman offers her backyard as a restroom. This is where the flood of questions begins (for me anyway.) Personally, I think this is cool. Two people meet and right away gaurd is stripped down insomuch that the woman says “You can (assuming here that she meant pee not poo) pee in my backyard.”

    The big question though is what the hell did the backyard look like? Could the pooper find a place where he felt he was secluded enough to “take a dump.” (By the way, like my Dad asks- don’t you leave a dump, rather than take one?)

    Seriously, so is “out back” a dense forest, or a typical backyard wherein neighbors could easily gaze out their windows and witness a man leaving a shit on a sprinkler? Supposedly he found “a good corner.” Please describe “good corner.” That’s essential. All corners of my surrounding yard -back and front- are in plain view of all kinds of shit. So to speak.

    As for the dump-
    For whatever reason I’m envisioning a solid stool. I feel that a “dump” is solid. It’s a singular log. And in my experience, I’ve never had that “I gotta take a shit right now or I’ll in fact SHIT MY PANTS” feeling when the shit was solid.

    His shit might not have been solid. It’s possible he’s physiologically different from me and just can’t hold down a log. If he’s meeting a desirable woman, you’d think he’d be able to just ride it out, so to speak.

    One might ask “Well maybe he’s OK with risking embarassment because he’s not that crazy about her.” But he made an effort to missconnect her…puzzling.

    He could have diarrhea’d (apostrophe there not because diarrhea is possesive, as the Master’s degree woman uses it, but because I don’t think diarrhea’d is 100% a word so I think the apostrophe is phonetically necessary there.) So anyway, he could have diarrhea’d over the sprinkler and he just has a more broad definition of “dump” than I do.

    Again though, in the above case, if my movement would have been loose, I’d have exercised SERIOUS restraint if I was attracted to a woman I’d JUST met. She cracked the ice sufficiently by inviting him in without knowing a thing -so that’s a wall or two broken down- but it’s not like they’d just spent 10 hours together in an elevator. If it were me, I’d explore options other than taking a shit in her back yard. I’d exhaust all available resources to not dump in a woman’s back yard- a woman that warrants a missed connection. I’m saying that I’d REALLY tighten up the necessary muscles and whatnot. I’d consider the neighbors…

    He knows where she lives. Knock on her door. She invited him in and cooked food for him. If she’s going to forgive him for taking a shit on her sprinkler-

    OK, the embarassment here is totally warranted. Think of the possible consequences of a shit-covered sprinkler-head upon the sprinkler’s next engagement.

    If the guy wants to pursue her, he’s gonna have to chat face to face. And knocking on her door is more likely to lead to real interaction. He had the guts to take a shit in a nice corner, but he can’t knock on her door? Does the Missed Connections route soften the embarassment a bit? The sprinklers could have turned on and pieces of his shit might have flown into her FACE.

    No scammers? Hmmmmmm.

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