Delusional Degenerate

“Everyone DOUBTS. You can’t just quit because you doubt.”

Yeah but how long do I go on? I have one life. And I’m not really quitting…

“What are you gonna write The Great American Novel?”

“Do you really think there’s an audience for that?

“You should consider your audience, Aaron.”

“What has he ever written?”

It’s called Delusional Degenerate.

“You know Aaron I think you’ll hit rock bottom one day, and then you’ll come back.”

Rock Bottom?

“He wants to move to Maine, ‘to write’.”

“I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t go to college for such a thing.”

“What are you doing up there in Seattle?”

“If your life is interesting enough, someone else will write about it. Let someone else do it.”

???

“Is there any money in that?”

“I just don’t know how you can believe there is no higher power. That’s so ARROGANT.”

You’re a character, Aaron. YOU.

“Have you thought about going to school?”

We’re reading Raymond Carver again?

“She’s nice Aaron, but I wish you’d date a member of The Church.”

“You can do better than her, Aaron.”

What the FUCK did you just say?

“TWENTY FOUR YEARS OLD AND YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB?!”

“Well, it’s a little convenient, not going to church. Kind of lazy, don’t you think?”

NO, the opposite, in fact.

“SOOOOOO ARROGANT.”

“Doesn’t the world have enough dreamers?”

“He should go back to school.”

We read The Cathedral in creative writing, why is it being taught in this class? Is there no communication? Is there no other writing we can absorb?

“Why is he moving to Boston?”

“It’s just not clear. It’s NOT clear.”

“Did you ever think that maybe Amy had a problem with you not finishing school?”

What do you think?

“Well, she’s SOOOOO SMART Aaron, she’s going places.”

“You’re  so stubborn, Aaron!”

“You’re so stubborn, Aaron!”

“You know Aaron, I don’t know what your aversion to workshops is all about. I know you want to be a writer…”

Well, shit.

“Passive characters generally don’t work”

Who’s passive?

“Aaron, I think you lack discipline.”

What does he mean by that?

“I dunno, I just think sometimes you just RACK DISCIPRINE!”

“The book’s by a woman who left the Reorganized Church- one of the off-shoots. She wrote about growing up with polygamy and all that- and it’s like, ‘You can leave the church, but don’t WRITE about it'”

???

Did you just say that?

“I just want you to know that everything you write in your journals, and everything you write in your diaries, I just love it. LOVE IT. Keep doing it pal.”

I could go back in there, and I could take him off that school, and I could -I could do it physically- I could grab him by the BYU hoodie he ironically wears and I could flip that stool upside down-

“How’s Boston, Aaron? Working on your chicken scratch?”

Chicken Scratch. 

“He’s doing now what he should have done when he was seventeen.”

“Can you really be an intellectual if you haven’t finished college?”

“You know the thing with the deli, right? retards? deli-tards.”

i gotta write something…

“Sexually, he sees things in black and white.”

Despite the fact that I’m a straight male from a heavily religious background, the idea that my writing may be a comfort to both straight and gay people who want to leave a heavily religious culture is not lost on me.

“You’re sexist, but you can’t help it- it’s where you come from.”

Despite the fact that I’m a straight male from a heavily religious backround, the idea that my writing may be a comfort to women who want to leave a male-dominated culture is not lost on me.

“He’s crazy.”

“You’re NOT crazy.”

“Has he thought about going to school?”

“Well I definitely think you should keep writing.”

 “You’re young, white, male, and you come from wealthy parents! Take advantage of it!”
???
 
???
 
???

“I’ll read your book, darlin.'”


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10 thoughts on “Delusional Degenerate

  1. So, Aaron, who are these poisonous people with the self righteous red ink? (is it deliberate that you chose the color red – like the editing pen?)
    I, too, think you should keep writing. Your pieces are very heartfelt and truely wrenching at times. Those with more pendantic literary styles may appeal to the great unwashed masses, but people won’t be reading them 50 years from now. Keep writing and they’ll be reading you.

  2. Yeah, but it would be nice if I had a book deal. Maybe I could compromise and make a deal where I’m only guaranteed to be read in 25 years, as opposed to your above mentioned 50. Aaaaaaaaand, like I said get a modest book deal. Enough money so that I could pay off my credit card debt and just write for a living. Oh, man if someone told me I could just write for a living, I’d write 100 pages a day. Or a combo deal where I get a really modest book deal and also edit on the side, or teach. So like a supplementary income. And the two incomes combined (modest book deal + editing/teaching) = like a nice clean apt. (I think I always want a roommate. So like nice clean apt. pretty big. I have an office and a brand new hinda civic si. Plus a new bicycle. I’ve been riding my bike a lot the past month. I’m a bike person now. And I’m kind of into it. So I’d get like a $2,000 bike, a honda civic si, with better rims. New exhaust, air intake and stuff. I’d want it to end up having 240 horsepower. Basically I need to get 40 horsepower aftermarket, and I’m gonna wanna do that w/o a turbo. I think I can do it. Tighter suspension. You get a naturally aspirated civic si up to 240 horses, tighten up the suspension a little and you have a nice little car.

    Thank you Susan.

  3. Well so you’re supposed to let the text speak for itself, right? Does the author matter or whatever? The author isn’t here. Anyway, the author is here and the red text is discouragement and the green text is encouragement/voice-of-reason.

    • It is understood what the different colors represent – but are the words in YOUR head or out of someone’s mouth? Not that it matters – what matters is the text…what is “said”. It is a shame that the green text doesn’t have a bigger voice here….I would be happy to be your green :)! I would never be red…but maybe a little pink at times.

  4. The question about the red text being “in my head” give me pause.

    Some of them are definitely fact. It has been called “chicken scratch.” The guy who sarcastically told me he that he loved that I wrote in my “diaries” and “journals” -he intentionally used plural- that’s for real. And a woman very recently let me know that I’m young, white, and blah blah and I might as well take advantage. That one really got under my skin. I should put more green up there. It’d be more honest that way, huh?

    The guy who said “journals” and “diaries.” Just an enourmous piece of shit.

    • Blog about the asshole – doesn’t seem like he would be intellegent enough to recognize himself. Mysogynistic jerk – if he can’t understand your writing, he doesn’t deserve to read it.

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